If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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