i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
