i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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