I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
