she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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