He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
