she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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