I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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