I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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