i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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