Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
