Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
