she woke up with a sticky ear
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
