false alarm. still invincible.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
