I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
