He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize