remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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