i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
