I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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