You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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