I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
