Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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