we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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