I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
