the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
