Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
