Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Still dying that you shit outside
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
