Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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