At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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