just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
