She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize