It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize