apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
