I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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