It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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