I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize