Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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