My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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