Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
