my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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