Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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