Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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