I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
