I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
