if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
