I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
