woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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