I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
