Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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