i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
