Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
