I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
