i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
