I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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