Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
