she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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