Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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