sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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