I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
