I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
