Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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