I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
