Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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