If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
