My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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