did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
