I have demons in me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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